10 Things I Don’t Wish I’d Done Differently As a Mom (the first 5) by Elizabeth Spencer

The other day, I Googled “what I wish I’d done differently as a mom” and got 10 million results.

Apparently, a lot of moms have a lot they regret about their mothering.

Apparently, as a parent with some mom mileage on me, I should be writing about my own regrets and done-differently wishes.

And, mercy, do I ever have them to write about. I’ve messed up and made bad decisions and taken wrong turns more times than I can count.

But with 29 total years of motherhood racked up, I’m so thankful to be able to say there are a few things I don’t wish I could undo, by the grace of God.

These things I have done and things I haven’t done have worked for me and for my girls and for our family.

Some of them may be deal-breakers for you. Some of these may be non-negotiables at your house. 

You may read this list and think, “Good grief, woman! Have you no shame? How can you possibly not regret this?!” Which is okay, actually.

Because you see, sweet mama, this is not a list of how I think other moms should do motherhood. This is only a collection of what, with the benefit of some hindsight and two older, happy, healthy, thriving children as evidence, I can leave off my personal do-over wish list, by the grace…

 

 

As a mom, I’m thankful I don’t regret that I…

1. Let my girls be cared for by other people. My husband is an only child, and I am the oldest, so you’d better believe the birth of our firstborn was met with no small amount of enthusiasm from both sets of new grandparents. We were blessed to live near my husband’s parents and mine, and from their very earliest days, both my babies spent time with their doting fan club. (We were also blessed to be able to absolutely trust all four of our parents not only with our girls’ physical safety, but with their mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, too.)

Early on, I would race off to Target for the 86.5 minutes I had between nursing sessions. Later, my husband and I left our girls longer and went farther—to Hawaii, in one memorable instance. I loved being home with my babies, just as I have loved being with them into their tween and teen years. But I wanted my girls to know they could depend on people other than their father and me to love and care for them.

I wanted them to have the security and reassurance of a wide net of love and affection and familiarity. Too, those very early days when I lugged the car seat in and out of my parents’ and my in-laws’ houses laid a foundation for closeness that continues to this day.

2. Fought the church battle every Sunday. When my girls were newborns, I could not imagine EVER being able to make it to church again. The number of things that had to happen for us to go was so crazy-impossible, I couldn’t even think about it. But I got used to sneaking in one last feeding session while I practically had one foot out the door, and eventually, we started making it every week. (And years later, on the first Sunday my daughter stood at the top of the stairs wearing tights she had PUT ON HERSELF, I had a flash of what Moses must have felt like when he watched God part the Red Sea.)

We established this routine from the get-go so that going to church every week was not a decision we had to make every week. It’s just what we did. And it’s what we do.

Still, now that my girls are older, I’m not sure there’s any time my family members like each other less than we do on Sunday mornings at about 8:15. My husband is trying to get two minutes of bathroom time to brush his teeth before he backs the van out of the garage because we DO NOT HAVE TIME PEOPLE to wait for that to happen once we’re all in the van, by the grace of God. Meanwhile, I’m running around yelling that we have to leave in two minutes and my girls are being unhappy with their hair and everyone just wants to be back in bed, for crying out loud. In this mood, we set off for church. Because we will not offer sacrifices to the Lord our God that cost us nothing (see 2 Samuel 24:24).

My point (and I do have one) is that all this has been worth it. Because it has laid a foundation for faith that I witness growing stronger every day. I see my girls reading their devotions at the breakfast table and leading worship with me and praying and posting inspirational quotes online. And the point of all this is not all this, but that all this is pointing them toward God. They are filling the God-shaped hole inside their hearts with the God Who put it there. Which makes all that Sunday-morning angst so worth it, I can’t even talk about it.

3. Waited an extra year before sending my youngest to preschool. When my second (and last) baby was three, I agonized over where to send her to preschool. I thought every three-year-old needed to be in preschool. I searched all over our area for a program that was a good fit, but most of them started at 8 a.m.—right when I was getting my would-be preschooler’s big sister on the bus.

Finally, after endless phone calls, I had a moment of clarity: I did not have to send her that year. I was at home with her. She was learning and growing and developing. We could just hang out for awhile longer. We could do library time, and she could come with me to Bible study and play in the nursery, and we could take naps together on the couch. She could go to preschool the next year, followed by kindergarten.

So this is what we did. And thank God for it, because when, two years later, I sent my baby to kindergarten and everyone asked if I was sad, I was able to honestly tell them I wasn’t (much). We had done that “bonus” year together. We had hung out. We had taken the time. And it had been a wonderful gift.

Now, as I watch her navigate middle school, I know I wouldn’t trade that year for anything. (I also sure wouldn’t mind another nap on the couch.)

4. Sent my girls to public school. I have so many friends who are amazing home schoolers, and I am in awe of what they do every day…usually before 11 a.m. But my husband and I felt very clearly called to be Christian public school parents—a full-time job in and of itself.

For one thing, I believe teaching is a gift not everyone possesses to the same degree. And the degree to which I possess that gift would not have gotten my daughters past preschool nametag day. I so greatly admire the talent and training of professional educators and understand that I cannot do what they do. So we intentionally bought a house in a school district we knew and respected and trusted and sent our girls there from the beginning.

We have been aware of what our children are doing and learning. We have been involved. The staff knows us by sight and by our first names. I have been PTA mom and room mom and “attendance hotline” mom and band mom and popcorn mom. While I’ve been around, I’ve seen what my girls’ teachers do every day and have been awed and grateful.

My daughters have not just had good teachers all along—they have had amazing educators, and many of them have been Christians who have nurtured my children not only educationally but spiritually and morally. My daughters are growing daily in their knowledge of and love for God, and they exercise their faith muscle every day when they are around their public school teachers and peers.

5. Limited my children’s activities. The formula for the way our girls spend their time pretty much looks like this: school + family/home + church + dance + friends  =  life. Band is the other big component of their existence, but because it is a school activity, the extracurricular time they spend on it is limited.

We like being home together as a family, and this requires us to semi-regularly be: 1)home and 2)together. We’ve never done teams or groups that have Sunday practices or games. We’ve never done multiple sports at the same time. We’ve never done anything year-round. This doesn’t mean any of this is wrong. It just isn’t the plan we went with for our little family.

I know the pressure to allow kids to try everything and not “limit their potential” is huge in our culture today. And we have created opportunities for our girls to explore various interests in case they became passions. But having afterschool and evening and weekend activities every day of every week of every month was never an option for us.

I call this “selective scheduling,” and it has worked for us. For. Us.

Stay tuned for 6-10 next week!
 70dc7-headshot1
Elizabeth Spencer is mom to one tween and one teen daughter. She’s been married for 20 years to a very patient husband who copes nicely as the lone male in a house full of girls. She avoids working on her 100-year-old farmhouse by blogging about life as an imperfect mother at Guilty Chocoholic Mama and spending time on Facebook
Advertisements

9 thoughts on “10 Things I Don’t Wish I’d Done Differently As a Mom (the first 5) by Elizabeth Spencer

  1. Aw, thank you so much, 4Real Moms, for letting me share this part of my story as a mom! I only pray my little list will encourage other moms to give themselves some grace as they do eternal work shaping little souls every day. (Even when–especially when– that eternal work looks like changing diapers and doing laundry!)

    Like

    1. So true. The work of moms is so humbling. It’s not always “pretty work”, but it’s a service to our families and it shapes our kids into being lights in this world. You are SO WELCOME!!! The pleasure is all ours. 🙂 I LOVE this list so much and 4Real Moms is honored to have you share it with us. THANK YOU!

      Like

  2. I love this so much! As a mom of two sons in their 20s, I can relate to your list and am in agreement with many of your points. I love that you sent your children to public school and I thank you for that. I was an elementary teacher for 30 years and understand the importance of education and the benefit of teachers who are qualified to teach your children well. Great list and can’t wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you, Mary! And THANK YOU for teaching so long and–I am sure of it–so well. I truly am in awe of what professional educators like yourself do and well understood I could not do it. There were other things I could and needed to and, I hope, did do. A dear friend of mine says “bloom where you are planted.” 😉 Thank you so much for taking time to read my little list and to leave your thoughtful words. Blessings on you in the exciting season of life you’re in right now with your young adult sons! 🙂

      Like

  3. Great list, Elizabeth! We as a family like each other least at exactly 8:15 on Sunday mornings, and my husband keeps announcing “the bus is leaving” as I’m (being the only girl) trying to make my hair cooperate. We usually end up in the truck mad at each other, not exactly ready to worship. I, too, protect family time by not allowing over-scheduling. And we have been blessed by 4 grandparents that live close and have built strong relationships with our boys from birth. I cannot wait to read the rest of this list!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Julie, my friend, I’m sorry for your Sunday angst…but so comforted that it’s not just my little family! Maybe we should agree to specifically pray for each other on Sunday mornings? I love the other non-regrets we share, too. And I just love you in general. 🙂 Thank you for your entertaining and encouraging words–as always.

      Like

  4. Great list of NON-regrets! We also have two girls, and we followed a similar formula (minus the public school thing–we worked for church schools so they got reduced tuition and it was just so much easier to all carpool or walk together!). Our babies are now 23 and 21 (almost 22), and our eldest has been married for three years and will make us grandparents in August. Spend time with your babies–as much time as you can–adulthood sneaks up on a mommy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Congratulations, Anita, on your “great expectation”! And it’s so encouraging to hear from a mom in your exciting season of life who also can look back on motherhood a little and see the big picture. Enjoy that grandbaby…aren’t grandchildren supposed to be one of the biggest payoffs for surviving some of the more, er, challenging aspects of parenthood? 😉

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s